Validation is the start of healing. DAY 30!!
Aug 7, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xClNNA8Jg4

[Music]
it's already that time of the week again
I can't believe Monday is here it just
feels like we started the weekend oh my
goodness I woke up this morning I was
just like really it's already Monday
like where is this time flying but again
I love mondays because I love my
counseling time so oh yeah it's
wonderful but I left the house a little
bit early the babies were all sleeping
so I was like that is the best time to
sneak out instead of giving them all
riled up and upset because Mama's
leaving so I decided to leave a little
bit early and go and get my tea and then
just come and sit and take some time for
myself just because I really need it and
it's 9:27 so I figured well this will
give me about a half an hour before
session starts to just you know just sit
and have some time for myself it just
it's needed so anyways I hope you guys
are having a wonderful start to your day
as well and I will check in here in a
little bit we have grocery shopping and
stuff we have to do today so I will
definitely be checking in with you guys
and show any guys what we got and yeah
we'll see how this all goes Hey so I am
out of counseling I've got the family on
board and we are now going to go grocery
shopping sorry for all the bumps because
we're driving anyways so I just want to
check in with you guys let you know I
will feel
you in with the counseling session today
later but until then I just wanted to
bring you guys along for the grocery
shop hey you guys I am so sorry I have
not checked in since we've all shopping
it's just it's been crazy over here
there I am letting off my you know my
horns and stuff but anyways I just want
to let you guys know that I am planning
to show you guys maybe some of our
shopping stuff as things come down
because the kids have just been crazy
cranky and so we were just trying to get
through and get stuff done but I will
check in with you guys in just a little
bit once we get the store oh my gosh
we're in the oldest part of the store
the frigerator look so cold
the babies are shopping for food our
cottage cheese monster Omar loves
cottage cheese so we always get it from
here because it's always so much a big
urban container
[Music]
of course when we come to Costco we have
to get the kids their cookies because
they know Costco's cookies are the best
so we always get the Costco cookies you
know paper plates he says that's the
lazy way it is cuz I hate washing dishes
anyways gosh it's much calmer here the
Walmart we went to we went to a
different Walmart today just out of like
Salem I was so go ahead
it was so crazy there it was like packed
so it was like bumper-to-bumper breaking
into each other so
we always get stopped and asked if the
babies are toilets they could pass those
friends I guess so we need to get Mama's
almost flavored water / soda since I
contain it to be soda
[Music]
[Music]
you always get like are always so much
cheaper for the quantity that we're
gonna get so like that bottle of window
for 12 bucks that was a quick trip we
are out of here
[Music]
okay you guys that was a crazy shopping
experience I am so sorry I did not check
in with you guys as much as I thought I
was going to be able to but Walmart like
I was saying was so chaotic I don't know
like we haven't been to that Kmart that
Walmart before so that was our first
time and the store was like completely
backwards from what we're used to and
then like the workers just were very
helpful and so it was just like and the
kids were you know being kids but it was
just like we just had that moment of
just like wanting to get out of the
store and then we still had to go to
Costco so we just went ahead and did
that and I didn't check in how much
Darrin Costco either because it was kind
of the same thing like it seems like
everybody is out today doing their
shopping which is great but not great in
our favor because we were fighting over
everything like trying to get through
aisles and stuff like that but we did
accomplish getting our groceries that we
needed thank goodness we have a few
items that we still need to give but
we're just gonna get them from Salem
because it's too it's too much to try
and get everything from here because it
was just the experience was not going us
with this we were wanting it so we'll
just grab the rest when we get home
other than that it was fine so I will
show you when we get home kind of what
we picked up it was more like snacking
at the type of a shop because we just
were really low on snacks for the kids
and stuff but I'll still show you guys
what we got and I will talk to you once
we get home that way then it's a little
bit more calmer okay you guys I am home
today has just been so long I am ready
to like jump ship and go to sleep I have
started way too early but I definitely
wanted to show you guys what we picked
up from the store today some stuff is
what we got from Costco some stuff we
got from Walmart so I'll show you the
stuff that we got and then I'll start
putting it all away the next thing I
picked up was swedish fish minis and i
picked this up because okay so for 12
pieces you can have them for $110 if I'm
having a sweet tooth and I'm wanting
something that's like a sweet but not
like over-the-top like chocolate and all
of that I found these on oh it was
online somewhere someone was talking
about how these kill a sweet tooth so I
wouldn't hand pick those up but not only
for me but for the kids too I was really
excited to actually find those for
Costco and then of course I got my as
usual and then of course I got the
Cinnamon Toast Crunch for the kids
because my babies they love their
Cinnamon Toast Crunch and they only eat
it dry that's the only funny thing and
then my Tillamook Cheese which is acting
like it's melting pot some bequite go
put that in the fridge our great that we
always get from Costco
my kids are sweet tooth cookies yes my
kids in there sweet - and then Pringles
for my husband because well that's his
thing he likes those get the 2% low-fat
cottage cheese because I like it with my
pineapple and then for half of a cup
it's only 90 calories I usually do a
whole cup and then I do a half a can of
pineapple so that way then it's like a
great snack or breakfast as usually if
I'm gonna eat it of course my
clementines these are my favorite I only
get them from Costco I made the mistake
a while back to get these from Walmart
and oh no no no no I couldn't do them
I literally we end up throwing them away
which was such a sad thing but I
couldn't they were just sera nasty and
then I got my avocados they're really
fired if you have any ideas of how to
get avocado to ripen faster let me know
otherwise they're hard as a rock and
it's gonna take me and then for Walmart
I ended up getting because Oh Maya my
gosh my children Omar has been those
need to go to the back freezer - Omar
has been begging for cake he has been
wanting cake so bad and I have cake
batter but I didn't have any frosting so
I went ahead and pick this up for them
so I'll make them some cake sometime
this week
toothpaste gotta love it
two of those and then they had for the
their toddlers but um $4 47 they had a
pack of it doesn't Oh six Forks and six
spoons so 12 pieces and so I ended up
getting two pack because honestly with
little kids you can never have enough
for silver because I swear every inch of
the house eats up the silverware because
we're down to like no toggle or
silverware so yeah then I got two packs
of the pre-made pancakes these come
really handy in the morning
like when the kids are wanting something
and I just can't figure out like exactly
what it is I can make them those and
like put some jam on them or put a
little bit of peanut butter or Nutella
and they're just like happy campers so
I'm like well that works for me too and
then I got this for me I am so excited I
found it it's just the hell hundred
calorie bags of popcorn so I'm gonna see
how this works their value size which
I'm sure I'm pretty sure that they're
the yeah one bag so makes about five and
a half no I can't be right I'm not sure
I'm gonna have to see how big these bags
are because I thought these were the
smaller bed so I'm not sure I'm gonna
have to play with it and find out and
probably try it tonight and then I'll
show you guys and of course I got my
mystery the hot stuff I saw when I was a
child I swore that everybody was trying
to kill me when they would make me
switch or not this blistering and then I
got my hair ties because you know you
never run low one knows I got a
toothbrush holder because I am so sick
and tired my toothbrush being touched by
everything and everybody else so I got
myself one of those then these were only
97 cents it's just trash can so I got
that to go in the the room i've been
using for trash because i don't know
where my trash can went and then i got a
good i think other than not that was it
it wasn't like maybe we got a lot but oh
and then we got this i am so excited i
was looking for this i wanted one with a
straw because i have a really hard time
drinking out of my flask because it
doesn't have a straw and so I feel like
it's constantly like my teeth it hurts
my teeth to drink cold stuff or anything
actually out of it so I wanted like
something with a straw in it would make
it a little bit easier to drink with and
so I found this one this one
like 10 bucks and it's a it's the Bubba
brand insulated six hours hot 18 hours
cold sweat proof BB b p8 free guaranteed
for life 18/8 vacuum insulated stainless
still it's 24 ounces so this is gonna
I'm really excited that I found that
because I went and they were saying that
all of their tumblers with the straws
are out and I'm thinking oh my gosh like
in the entire store there is none well
they were really out of a lot of them
but I came across that when I was like
oh no scores that ones even better than
I was thinking so anyways that's what it
was for our shopping spree but yeah so
I'm gonna go and put all this away
before it starts the fine and then I
will check in with you guys in a little
bit hey guys welcome to the end of
Monday it was a really good day today
actually it started out good it ended
good that's like the best key of
everything
we definitely got yeah my children are
vegan wild right now but we we had my
counseling this morning and that went
really good we'll touch base about that
here in just a few minutes and then
after that then I came home and I picked
up the clan and we headed off to Costco
and then and that's what I was telling
you guys earlier that we went I am
really cold I'm sorry my air
conditioning I'm like even have it is
butter I'm so cold
um but anyways we we went to Costco and
they were really busy at that time so I
was like you know what why don't we go
and we'll go to Walmart and then
we're just sorry yeah that's better I
feel like I'm like maybe I'll be better
I'm sorry try not to be like totally
drowned it out here um anyways so we
went to Costco they were really just
really busy at that moment so I was like
you know what only let's go ahead and
just we'll go to Walmart and then we'll
come back so we went to Walmart and I
was telling you earlier it just the
store was so chaotic I don't know I
don't know really how to describe it
other than I just felt like we couldn't
we couldn't figure out where anything
was in the store everything was
backwards we because it's not our normal
Walmart of course but it was like I was
looking for this Cup and the worker was
just so rude I mean just so rude he
wasn't really were you know like willing
to work to look for anything for me and
I wasn't expecting him to do like the
whole job but I just simply asked him
you know do you guys have tumblers with
straws because for me I don't know if I
did mentioned this earlier but for me to
drink out of like a flask which I have a
flask that is just like this but it just
has an opening that you screw open it
just has a hole well for me to drink
that it hurts my teeth and so um I
wasn't using I was I really wasn't using
it and when I was I wasn't drinking
enough with a straw I feel like I drink
more and I feel like I can get more in
at one time because it's not like
cleansing on my teeth so um I asked him
I said do you guys have tumblers with
straws and he's like he kind of like
rolled his eyes and kind of like tilted
back a little bit and was like no I was
just looking yesterday and we have none
and I'm like none in the whole store I'm
like wow and he's like yeah there's none
I'm like okay I'm like that's fine so I
went on my merry way and I found another
worker and I thought how I'm just gonna
ask again maybe maybe
I'll catch someone somewhere cuz I still
wasn't seeing them I had seen a few
different kinds but they weren't exactly
what I had envisioned which was the cup
with the twist on lid and the straw in
it that's what I was envisioning so I
wasn't really looking for anything else
so I had asked another worker and he's
like oh I can help you find those and so
he was looking around and lo and behold
we end up in this section where these
were the same root guy was in that same
section helping another couple out and
he's like well I just told her we didn't
have any and I'm thinking oh my god you
know I feel bad because here I like I
feel like maybe he felt like I was under
estimating him or undermining him
because I didn't take his word for it
and went to another worker and so I'm
like okay now I feel a little awkward
[Music]
but anyways so I just looked around and
I found this one and it I mean I've
already just since being home since -
I've already drank three of these and
these are 24 ounces so I know that this
is what's gonna help me get my water in
so I'm really happy that I did find it
and like I said earlier it was only ten
dollars so I mean ten bucks for a really
nice water bottle can't beat it anyways
so I kind of showed you guys what we got
and then we just went ahead and from
there just kind of chilled out a little
bit we cook some dinner which I ended up
having a shrimp salad oh my goodness it
was so good and I really today it was
kind of weird but I snacked a lot today
but not out of my calorie count it was
just more I snacked then I actually ate
like full-on Mills and that's okay I
mean you are typically are gonna have a
day like that I didn't get my workout in
today because of course we had shopping
to do and my counseling so I wasn't home
most of the afternoon so we will start
hardcore tomorrow because that I'll be
home ate some dinner which I had a
shrimp salad and
oMG it was so good I was like yeah that
is the solid I think so
I ended up having that for dinner and
then that was pretty much it and just
kind of took it easy on to how my day
went it went really well
but through counselling today we talked
about something that I thought would be
kind of I think beneficial to bring
towards to you guys and talk to you guys
about it but we talked about getting
validation to start the healing process
and I think all of my life I have looked
for validation I have looked for
validation from how good of a person I
am to how good I'm you know finishing
tasks I needed validation for everything
and that validation I didn't receive it
very often and I mean it was more near
nun than any and I think with a lot of
what I've been emotionally going through
with the abuse that I have inquired as a
child
meaning that validation to be able to
move on and heal from that has been so
important to me and not receiving that
validation has actually paused me and
kind of froze me in a spot where I don't
feel like I can move on from my healing
because I've waited and I've been
standing
still waiting for somebody to come and
validate me for the way that I feel and
in particularly you know my my childhood
when I was molested being a family
member that molested me I thought that I
thought that my family would stand up
and back me up and it took a lot of
courage for me to even come forward and
say hey this happened to me and it
didn't make me feel good and I don't
want to go back when I was molested the
molester told me if you ever tell I will
kill you and I will put you in the back
shed because they were maintenance
workers on an apartment complex and he
said I will put you in the back shed and
nobody will ever know that you're back
there because you told and you could get
me in trouble but it didn't matter to me
at that point I was just I didn't want
to go back it didn't make me feel good I
felt so bad and so dirty and I felt like
I was the wrong one even though I know
now I'm not but it still it was scary to
tell and when a child takes the courage
to tell a story of what happened to them
the best thing that the adult or the
person that is being told this to to
validate that child's feelings and make
them feel like it's okay
you did the right thing by telling us
what happened and we're here to protect
you to make sure that this person that
hurt you gets punished and that you get
taken care of because we know that
you're hurting but that didn't happen to
me from people that I had thought would
have my back and
be standing in my corner and after I
told the person that molested me and so
the person that molested me was not my
family
the person that molested me stood in as
a I guess title family member as a cran
as a grandparent but he was never like
drew blood to me and when I told my
story and it came out you know because
of course the person I told went
straight to the you know to the
authorities and we you know it started a
whole investigation and things were
starting to get brought up you know we
found out that there were multiple
children that got molested by the same
person but during that time the family
member that was my family and the person
that molested me took off out of state
and because of Oregon's laws they could
not go into another person's state and
retrieve that person and bring them back
why I don't know because I hear stories
I hear stories of people getting
indicted all the time and being brought
back into the state that they did the
crime in so it really even to this day
really
it didn't really ever make sense to me
but I had to just accept what was there
because what else was I supposed to do I
was a child I couldn't fight anymore
than what somebody was willing to fight
for me and so this person took off out
of state my family member took them out
of state they stayed out of state and
here in the state of Oregon statutory
limits is eight years so after eight
years they cannot go back and press
charges on the person that did the crime
so the person that molested me knew this
and waited until that eight year mark
and went came back into Oregon well I
had gotten a call and was told hey you
know so-and-so was back in the state of
Oregon I said oh really so I made a
couple calls cuz by now I was 18 so I
made a couple of calls
I turned the person and I knew exactly
where they were staying and he was
picked up and he was put in jail but
only for two weeks while they were
getting a trial ready and during this
time it was really hard for me because I
knew I was going to have to stand on a
stand
and tell my story again and it wasn't
that I was nervous about telling my
story I was nervous because I had to see
this person after all these years and I
hadn't seen in him before any of this uh
since the time that he had molested me
and I ended up not having to get on the
stand actually by the end of it I did
not personally have to get on the stand
but the two family members that are my
blood family that I thought again would
have my back and validate my story and
validate my abuse stood on the stand and
cast witness for him that I was a liar
that was the most painful thing I think
I have ever endured painful thing
sitting there watching two family
members that you loved that thought that
they were there to protect you
especially being that they were on my
father's side my father wasn't here to
protect me I thought my father's family
would protect me and sitting there that
day in the courtroom and listening to
what they had to say and all the lies
that were being said it was like a knife
to my heart it was a slap in my face
and I just sat there and shocked like
are you serious you're really going to
protect this bastard when he hurt me he
damaged me he took my innocence away he
destroyed me and you're gonna protect
him and throw me and fire and say that I
am a liar after the court hearing was
over I remember my two family members
well so hold on because I'm jumping
ahead so the remaining of the the trial
happened and I'll never forget that
judge making the call and she literally
had tears in her eyes when she looked
directly dead set in my eyes and she
said Amy I want to tell you right now
that I validate every feeling you have I
know that you're telling the truth
I know that this man hurt you and took
your innocence away when you were such
an innocent child
I wish that I could take the keys lock
this man up and let him rot
[Music]
as i sat there i listened to the judge
talk and she then turned to the the man
and she said his name which I'm not
gonna say but said his name and said I'm
gonna tell you right now and looked at
the two family members as well I know
that you're all lying I know that he is
guilty had I been able to get my hands
on him a year ago he would be spending
time in prison because every one of you
are lying but unfortunately because of
the statutory limits of the organ state
I have to let him go this is one of the
saddest days in my career that I have to
let this man walk on the streets that
have hurt children because our laws
don't do justice sometimes for our
victims and of course he's sitting there
off you know he's happy he's he gets to
go free so after everything was said I
just was trying to let everything kind
of sink in because it was a lot it was a
very long day trial and there was so
many emotions going through I had every
emotion except for happiness or sincere
anything going on in my body that the
two family members so they they marched
the other guy out though they marched
the molester off because they're gonna
get ready to release him and the other
two family members came over and came to
give me a hug and I looked at them both
as I almost hit one of them
because I was so angry and I said I hope
that your son I hope that your brother
is looking down from heaven and is proud
of what you two just put his daughter
through I got up and I walked out and my
lawyer took me off into a room and I
just broke down I just cried I mean just
so many emotions were going through my
mind at that very moment and it was just
you know nowhere did I get the
validation that I was looking for
although I got it from the judge but
that wasn't where I was looking for from
I was looking for it to come from my
family the ones that again I thought
would be there to protect me and provide
that comfort that I needed but they
weren't they were there for the other
person so years have gone by and I've
had like very surfaced kind of
relationship with them not too much but
a little bit um a year ago the molester
died and I remember the day that he died
that I got word that I actually
celebrated I literally celebrated his
death because I said to myself okay now
he's gonna get what he what he deserves
he's not gonna get away with it now and
I felt almost like a little bit of
closure happened that day because I felt
like I didn't have to worry anymore
because I didn't have to worry about am
I ever gonna see him again or am I gonna
ever run into him again because they
were moving back into organ and just
those thoughts who kind of ran through
but you know throughout the years he
lived a miserable life he lost limbs he
threw diabetes he lost his nose was gone
it brought it off his face
um he was pretty miserable and every
time I heard something bad happened to
him I in my heart I'm thinking whoa I
know that probably sounds really bad but
that's how I validated my feelings for
what he did to me
and so as time went on and years went on
nothing was really talked about it we
just kind of dropped it you know of
course I never had nothing to do with
him but when I had my three year old
when I had Omar he was born at 32 weeks
so he was in the NICU for a few weeks
and as everybody knows you know he was
my first my first biological birth born
and so he was born early you you know I
was scared I had so many things going
through my mind I had a c-section you
know was my baby gonna be okay
thankfully he was born very healthy but
it's still you know it's very very scary
and then being in the NICU for even if
you know I know some parents they're in
the NICU for so many months and I
couldn't even imagine because I was in
the NICU for 14 days and I will honestly
tell you that those 14 days were the
most darkest days of my life although I
wanted to celebrate the birth of my baby
I was just so I felt so alone nobody
called me to congratulate me from having
my baby nobody messaged me to see how I
was doing or if they could come and see
my baby nothing I got nothing from
anybody I didn't get a card I didn't get
balloons I didn't get gifts I didn't get
nothing when I had my son
and I'll never forget that and at this
point the molester was still alive and
they were still living out of state and
the family member that is was married to
him lived with them with him and I had
messaged my aunt and I said you know I'm
really having a hard time because I
would like to send pictures of my baby
to my family member but I just don't
think I'm ready for the man to see my my
son's pictures and you know we kind of
got into it and that was like the worst
time to choose to get into it because
you know as a new mom your emotional
drive is just weird it's off it's you
know and then you've got the whole
emotions of being in the NICU and just
all of it and you know she said this is
the first time I ever heard the story
true story anyways
that um she says well you know she says
Amy I'm really sorry you feel that way
that you know you can't send pictures
you know to your family member you know
we believe that in your head it happened
but we just can't fathom that it truly
happened and I said are you serious I
said so you're still calling me a liar
you're still saying that I'm not telling
the truth
why would I lie about something so like
that why what would be what would I get
out of it
why if I if you even knew the life I had
after telling people that I got molested
do you know what I endured after that do
you think for two seconds that I would
want to have the life I did had I not
told anybody that I had been molested I
was like so why do you think for two
seconds that I would lie about it what
would be where would this come in and
she just kept repeating herself that you
know she believes that it happened in my
mind and that you know she believes that
I made up the story so strong in my
brain that you know it just came reality
to me but in reality she knows it didn't
happen and it was such a hard
conversation because that is the day
that I knew for positive that my family
did not believe me and my family was
never going to believe me they were
going to believe this nasty man
over me so that validation was never
gonna be there and so as I you know kept
getting older and you know and I have
you my babies and having my little girl
and him passing away I still have never
gotten that validation of we understand
how hurt you are and we get it Amy we
believe you we believe that this
happened and we are sorry for what we
did on our part for what happened to you
I have come to realize that I will never
ever ever hear that but getting that
validation is what I believe is gonna be
the first start of me truly healing from
what happened to me as a child that I
had no control over and so we talked
today me and my counselor about it and
you know I said I have a really hard
time because you know I know this person
is getting very old and I know she's not
gonna be around forever
but at the same time I just emotionally
I am just so stuck because I just can't
get over being called a liar on
something so painful and so my counselor
says well you know Amy you really have
to take a step back
and really really check out the whole
situation and if you see that it's a
toxic relationship because it's gonna
every time you have that relationship
with them it brings back those memories
of you know the abuse and everything
that goes along with that that is a
toxic relationship and sometimes it's
better to leave that relationship in the
past so that you can move on and you can
start healing because you don't want to
be stuck forever in this hole of waiting
for people to validate the abuse that
you endured because unfortunately you're
probably never gonna get it so you're
always gonna be stuck waiting and you're
never gonna receive what you're waiting
for so I really thought about it today
and I you know I talked to Ali's some
about it and
I just you know I was talking you know a
little bit to my mom not about
everything but very surface conversation
with her about my counseling because I
really protect my counseling
conversations they're very private to me
because that's that's very that's for me
not to have to share everything and so I
was talking to her today and I kind of
shared with her a little bit about what
I was going through and she says you
know I really have concerns that your
counselor is not letting you move on and
he'll and I said well why do you feel
like that and she said because you know
by now you should be moved on from all
of that you should by now be over all of
that
and that really made me so angry when
she said that because in my mind I'm
thinking how dare you give me a timeline
of when I am to be over this that you
also caused it wasn't just this man or
these family members
it also inquired you you did all of this
starting by not being a mother and being
there for me to begin with had you lived
a different lifestyle with me and myself
maybe I wouldn't have been in any of
these situations because I would have
been home with my mom but the the sad
thing is is you know when she when
things got tough with her she would um
she would check out she would go get
high she would go and you know drink her
alcohol she would go and party that was
how she checked out but for me I had to
face it head-on I didn't get to check
out with drugs or alcohol or party or
you know I didn't get all of that I
didn't get to enjoy that I had to face
all the abuse I had to face all the
emotional up-and-downs I had to go
through it all and then on top of it you
know then she got to go to prison
and I'm not saying prisons fun don't get
me wrong
that's not what I'm saying but what I am
seeing is she got to go to prison and
you know she had her bills taken care of
she had food on her table every single
day she you know yeah she had to answer
to people but that was by her choices
but she had water to take a shower with
and a restroom to use and you know
things like that and it's like and she
had classes that she got to take to help
Hill herself how dare you tell me that I
should already be over all of this
why don't you validate my feelings and
validate how I fill and why don't you
step up to the plate and say hey you
know what I'm sorry that you endured
being molested because of choices that I
made how hard is that but it you don't
never hear that I'll hear I'm sorry you
know I was a bad mom and I made bad
choices and you know I'm sorry about
that and I know that but you know we
can't keep living that over and over and
no we don't and no she doesn't have to
be told she's a bad mom and no I don't I
never say that I never say you were a
bad mom I always say you were the mom
that you could be and I always will
stand by that you were the mother you
were able to be but don't come back at
me and tell me you need to get over this
because it's been time no it hasn't
no it hasn't I haven't started to even
work on myself besides since last year
before that I was busy taking care of
her taking care of other family members
taking care of my children and taking
care of other situations that became
more important than myself so just last
year is when I took the torch and said
you know what now it's my time to start
working on myself
so it just really made me so mad that
she now has a time limit and according
to her time limit I should be already
done
III should be well over all of this
don't ever let somebody tell you that
you have a time limit don't ever let
somebody tell you that you need to get
over your pain because you know what
that is not for not one person to decide
but you you are the only one that can
decide when you are ready to start
healing and be able to move on and when
I say move on you can forgive but you
cannot always forget but you can also
heal that forget to where you can get
through your days and not have to suffer
in that pain every single day and that's
where I'm at right now is where I just
want to start healing and I want to
start being able to be the best Amy that
I can and that comes along with my
weight loss you know this is all change
for me my body is changing my emotions
are changing my mental thinking is
changing everything is changing within
me but also the way that I handle my
hurt my pain and the abuse that I've
endured from childhood up through
adulthood
that's all things that are changing but
they're changing on my time not on
anybody else's time and I just really
want to make sure that you guys know
because I know there's many of you guys
out there that have been hurt as a child
as an adult you've been hurt and
[Music]
maybe some of you guys haven't been
validated for your feelings but I
validate them I know that when
somebody's been hurt I believe you I
believe everything somebody says when it
comes to abuse and hurt and pain because
I don't believe that one person would
come up with such a fantastic lie just
to downright hurt somebody for what
what's it gonna get you nothing I don't
believe it's a lie
I seriously believe that you've been
hurt and I want to validate those
feelings for you and say I am sorry for
the abuse that maybe you guys endured at
one given time in your lifetime but
don't ever let somebody make you fill
that it's time to get over it because
again like I said that's not for anybody
to decide but for you you will decide
when it's time to start healing you will
decide when what you want to do to start
the healing mine was seeking a therapist
and start working on things that doesn't
mean that's for everybody everybody has
their own walk in life everybody has
things in their life that they deal with
differently and just because I go to a
therapist and somebody else goes and
does something else doesn't mean that we
are different or that our abuses are
different it's just how we are handling
it but we all are validated for our
feelings and I know that I will never
ever ever get the validation that I'm
supposed to have to continue my healing
so I have to accept that the validation
is not going to come from them but I
know I know in my heart I know what's
true that nasty
man knows the truth and all the multiple
other men that abused me knows the truth
and that's all that matters
that's all that matters if nobody else
believes me it's okay it's okay because
at the end of the day when they lay
their head down and I lay my head down
we know what happened doesn't mean I
have to continue to live in it but we
know what happened and I just I can't
stress enough that this is I believe the
new beginning for me my healing when it
comes to the molestation that I've
occurred as a child
it wasn't once it wasn't twice it was
multiple times by different people and
that's why I say that when my mom gives
me a time limit and says it's time for
you to start moving on don't you dare
ever give me a time limit
you weren't there when your friends were
molesting me you weren't there when
family members were molesting me you
were busy off doing your own selfish
thing so don't come at me now and tell
me it's time it won't be time until I'm
ready to say it's time she can take it
or she can leave it she can accept it or
she can reject it I at this point I
really don't care anymore
I don't care what other people think
because I know what I have to go through
to become a better Amy and I know as I
continue to lose my weight and become
healthier that not only am I physically
becoming healthier but I'm starting to
feel like emotionally I'm becoming
healthier and it's just gonna continue
to grow more and more and more because
I'm starting to validate my own feelings
and that's all that I have to do it's
okay I can accept my validation myself I
don't have to be validated by anybody
else it doesn't matter what anybody else
thinks as long as I know what's the
truth and I can validate my feelings
that should be enough right there to
heal exhale the toxic relationships and
be able to move forward and have that
experience in life that I just didn't
think would ever be because I was always
stuck waiting for validation from others
that I probably would never get so as
long as I can stop and say you know Amy
I know you told the truth I know that
you are hurting
I know that that abuse ran your
childhood I know it hurts you I validate
you
that's all I needed that's all I need
everything else can just go away I don't
care anymore
and that's the same with you guys as
long as you can validate yourselves and
know of that in your heart what's
happened that's all that should matter
that's all that should matter because
unfortunately sometimes you will never
get that apology that you're looking for
you'll never get that sincere talk that
you were looking for because some people
just won't accept it
so you have a talk for yourself you talk
to your heart you validate your feelings
and now we you can start human because
that's the most important thing I'm
gonna close from here tonight you guys
it was a long night I know but I think
it was very important to talk about this
topic because it's a very uncomfortable
topic but it's something that I think
that I need to to film and share with
you guys because I know that there are
people that are here that are hurting
and need that validation and so I just
hope that this reaches to the right
people and if you guys need a talk you
know how to get a hold of me through my
description and I will talk to you guys
tomorrow until then take care
[Music]
